Your Flesh Shall Be A Great Poem.

"This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."
— Walt Whitman

The Beauty that Resides Within.

Beauty. What exactly does it mean to you? I can tell you my perception on what is beautiful in life has come a long way from what I used to consider beautiful. I always, always only recognized beauty to be associated with appearances. It's amazing what media can inject into your mind and the influence it has on our perception of what is supposed to be. I can remember growing up and seeing these visual images of these perfect females on covers of magazines, on television shows, on any type of advertisement really. I mean, when is that last time you saw an unattractive person on the cover of a major magazine? Our minds are constantly fed with bullshit that we should strive for perfection when it comes to appearance. And it's not just my generation. My mother refuses to go out of the house...and I mean she won't even go to the dollar store without a full face of make up on. I can recall numerous occasions when I'll be walking out of the house without brushing my hair and she has something to say about it. I get it from my father as well. If I gain a couple of pounds and my shirt is a little snug, he will be more than happy to point it out. Lucky for them I don't have self esteem issues. At least not anymore, and I laugh at their opinions of my appearance.

I struggled with self image issues for a long time. I'd look into the mirror, and I know we all do it, and point out every fault on my body; especially after I gave birth to Isaiah. I weighed 98 pounds when I got pregnant for him, so of course my body went through changes. And it was extremely difficult for me to get to a point where I was comfortable with these adjustments. For a couple of years I even considered plastic surgery. I was twenty years old considering plastic surgery! I didn't think my boobs were big enough. I had stretch marks on my thighs from my pregnancy. I wanted electrolosis done. I had cellulite that I couldn't stand. And all these thoughts that fluttered my mind would bring my self esteem down.
A study was done in 2007 and according to these cosmetic plastic surgery statistics over 450,000 Americans recieved liposuction, almost 3,000,000 Americans received Botox, almost 400,000 American women recieved a breast augmentation, and 1.5 million Americans had some form of laser hair removal done. This study was done four years ago; I know the numbers are much larger today. I'm not against plastic surgery by any means; and after giving birth I see why some women would want to fix flaws on their bodies. But for myself, I knew that a perfect new set of perky boobs wouldn't do the trick. No matter how beautiful you appear to be, that will and can only get you so far. I know a lot of attractive males that are really good on the eyes and as soon as they open their mouths it's all down hill from there. I've always been one to date only attractive looking males. And look where that has taken me...I'm single. I now look for someone with a personality, intelligence, and a sense of humor. This is what I've come to realize as I grow into a young woman. Flaws and imperfection are the things that make us unique. And it's this uniqueness that makes someone beautiful. Confidence and personality are what matters the most. I think as we grow into adults we revert to back to our child hood ways in some aspects of life. I grew up surrounded by boys and I was the little sister that would dress up in football pads and play tackle in the yard. I would always have on a t-shirt, jeans, and my handy dandy tennis shoes. I find myself now being the most confident in just that...my $5 chucks, my jeans that I purchased my junior year in high school, a tshirt, hair up and most of the time not brushed, my glasses and no make up. Natural and Imperfect. Just the way I want to be :)

Expect the Unexpected

Reconnecting with old friends is one of my favorite life's blessings. I love the feeling you get when you see a long lost soul that you have had a previous connection with. A friend or a lover, it's always the same for me. I get really nervous before the encounter just anticipating my reunion. And then when you see them you get a sensation of complete happiness and you can't help but have a huge smile on your face. Holly brought me this sensation last weekend. I love Holls. She is like a sister to me. She is a best friend. She is a good time. She is a great memory maker :) We hadn't seen each other in months and it's like neither one of us could talk fast enough. About our love life...or lack there of...about school, work, family, anything and everything that has been going on. It was good to throw a few back with my dear friend and unwind after a long week. After a long night I fell sick Saturday morning. It was my first cold this year. I went to the doctor on Monday and since my insurance kicked back in...thank you Obama...I went run random blood work. On Tuesday I got a phone call from my doctor telling me that my liver levels were off and I had to go in to do more blood work. And by off I mean you're levels are supposed to be at 60 and mine were well over 200. Tuesday I went in for more blood work and Wednesday for an ultrasound. I'm happy to report that so far everything has come back normal...but while playing the waiting game I couldn't help but re-evaluate my life. The unfimilar and the unknown are always scary to me. I didn't sleep well for three days and couldn't help but be nervous about the possibilities. It made me think about what made me really happy as a person. It made me thankful for a few good friends and an awesome mother who always sticks by my side and is my backbone through all of life's chaotic moments. And although I'm not sure what's going on inside this body of mine, I do know that I am hoping for the best and I know that I have great people in my life that will be there through it all :) I'll sign off with this song from my new favorite band. It's Friday night at 6:30 and I'm laying in my bed typing my new blog on my lap top while listening to this song which makes me feel like I'm feeding my soul, heart, and mind with clean and pure thoughts. I'm feeling super blessed and extremely greatful to be alive and feeling optimistic about what my future will bring.

Priscilla Ahn - Dream (Official Video)

Change means new starts and new starts also mean new dreams!

I Can Do It All By Myself!

Seems like yesterday I purchased this radio flyer tricycle for my little love bug. He would ride it up and down the halls dinging the tiny bell. He was so small his little feet could not even reach the peddles. It had a little basket on the back that he would store pacifiers, sippy cups, and other random toys in. It seems like in the blink of an eye he has grown into this fun loving little man that now uses that same tricyle to store his lizards, frogs, and bugs in :)

For Christmas he wanted "A Big Boy Bike". Specifically a blue one. And yesterday I let him go on his very first official bike ride. Yes, I would let him ride up and down the drive way before but I let him venture out onto the road this time. With my supervision of course. And he wasn't a fan of that.

He hopped on his bike and immediately announced "Mom I don't need any help I can do it all by myself." As he approached the road he remembered our little dicussion we had about road safety and announced "No Cars!" after he had taken a look to the right and left...like ten times :) He took off with aggression and speed and before you know it he was down the road full speed ahead (trying his hardest to get as far away from me as possible.) He was feeling good. He had a huge smile on his face. He was making vroom vroom sounds.

And then the wobbling began. And then he had his first encounter face down with the road. My poor little guy had a couple of tears and a minor scrape but indeed hopped back onto his new ride and slowly but surely began riding again. This time he wanted his mother by his side :) And although he had an accident that didn't stop him from dreaming about where his new transportation device could take him. He said things like "Lets go Mom we're going to ride to New York City and see the Statue of LIVERTY" and "Do you think I could ride my bike to the beash?" So cute :) After about an hour of riding as we made our way back home he ended his ride with "You know Mom I know what I need. I need a little wagon to pull on the back just like Dennis Mom." This made me chuckle because I know before long I will have a Dennis the Menace on my hands and I'm looking forward to all those little stunts and tricks that he will try to arrange. Gotta Love Little Boys :)

A Lil' R&R : Reflection and Religion

I came across this picture yesterday while looking at some National Geographic Photos on the web and it immediately made my mind start spinning. My first thought was what was she thinking about? What would I be thinking about? My second thought was it just reminded me simply of reflection. And since we're ending the year of 2010 that's exactly what I'm going to take time to do.
I'd like to start off by saying this...When I was eighteen years old I randomly walked into a tattoo parlor and got a chinese courage symbol on my foot. There was no meaning behind it besides the fact that it was a rebellious thing to do and I liked the way the symbol looked. As years went on of course I started resenting this thing. That is until last week when I heard this "Courage originally comes from the Latin word cord meaning heart and the original defintion of courage was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." I thought it was beautiful and it gave new meaning to a random act. It is true that bad decisions make great stories :)

I've taken a whole entire year to learn and grow and just try to figure out who I was. Where I wanted to go. What I wanted to do. And be. And feel. And the best thing that has come out of this year is this: I have realized that you have to allow yourself to feel. Everything. The good. The bad. You have to feel things like sadness, madness, loneliness, and rejection. You have to allow yourself to be defenseless and insecure. Not only should you feel it but you should also show it. When you allow yourself to do all of these things and show you're true colors.. even the not so pretty ones.. and allow yourself to truly be seen you will finally be able to feel real connections. And these connections are what make us have a sense of purpose. Whether it be a family connection, a love connection, a parental connection, a friendship connection, or even a romantic connection. And it is not until you show all of your sides, the good the bad and the ugly...the pretty the smart and the confident...will these connections be real and meaningful. In the same breath I have realized that it's not good to be focused so much on yourself all the time. Although you have to feel it out you must also let it go. Remember to never let the bitterness steal your sweetness. That brings me to my goals of the next year. I am finally at a place of contentment and this allows me to be a better mother. I strive daily to be a breath of fresh air for my little man because I want him to see that life doesn't always have to be complicated and simplicity is true happniess. Money and materialistic goods will never compensate for the blessing of love and peace of mind. I want to me more mindful of things that are foreign to me whether it be music, culture, religion, or people in general. We are all equals with different circumstances and we should not allow these circumstances to interfere with learning from one another. With that being said another one of my goals is to learn more about Catholicism, and Buddhism, and Hinduism, and any other Ism that may come my way. I also want to start learning different languages like Italian and Spanish. I think the more you learn about the world, the entire world, the more purpose you have and the more accomplished you become.

TRAVELING. My favorite blessing of all time. Last year I was able to go on a couple of vacations with random friends and make great memories but this year I want my traveling to have some sort of purpose as well. I'm ready to give back. I'm ready to make my mark and make a difference. I want to travel to South America and give kids love and support. Thanks B.Snell for being such an inspiration to not only myself but many people that come in contact with you. You've made me realize that one person, one small difference, can truly impact many lives. I'm looking forward to doing the same :) Other random goals are as follows: Slow down. The thinking and the being. Enjoy the presence and simplicity. Enjoy things like reading, meditating, writing, photographing, bike riding, and piano playing. This all brings me back to the photograph that started this all. This was taken at the Sears Towers in Chicago and I have a life long friend that is living near the area. My goal is to go to this place with this dear friend at the end of the year and take a photo just like this one and able to reflect and be proud of everything I have accomplished this year.

RELIGION. Life is a series of experiences. Some are honorable and some we would like to forget. They are what make us who we are and give us beauty, purpose, and wholeness. They are stories of our souls. I had been contemplating religion all year long. It had got to the point where I thought maybe I was crazy trying to figure this whole situation out. I went through a phase of not even believing in Christ or God. It wasn't dark or anything but I've always been like why can't you God just show me for once your presence. I went on multiple Catholic retreats as a teenager. I've been to healing masses. My entire family has "rested in the spirit" for my Godchild's baptism...with the exception of myself. I've seen many of these holy gifts take place right before my eyes and I can remember praying oh so very hard just for once... touch me. Say something to me. Show me that you're there. Nothing.I want to clarify that this has never once made me mad or sad or feel like I wasn't ever good enough. It just made me doubtful. Like does this really even exist? I would even say a prayer every now in then that went " God if you really do exist show me my path. Let me be a better person and a great Mother." And then it kind of just hit me. That if this "God" (since most people make Him a person) sends you on a journey through growth and curiosity and chaos and when you're done with all of that he will be waiting at the end with open arms like he was always there. Because he was always there. Because you are God. We are all Godly. When you find your purpose and you're way, you will find him...in you! So I ran this by a friend because once again I thought maybe I was a little off beat. And he said to me that religion and spirituality is a means to finding truth. It's about seeing what is going on in your mind and calming it to where you can see everything clearer and more equal. And once you have cleared your mind of the chaos you will see beauty and God in everything. Focus on purity and happiness and everything will fall into place. Do not take people action's personally. Meditate. This state of being is what sets you free. And then I said to him...what if I believe that God is more like a way of being and not like a person. And he said exactly. That's exactly what God is a way of being. When Moses asked God what is your name God said I AM...I am is a verb. This whole conversation pretty much put my year in perspective: You have to give to recieve. You have to allow yourself to feel and be seen. You have to follow your goals and dreams. You have to enjoy the presence and the simplicity. You have to make your own decisions and believe in your own thoughts. At the end of conversation I said thank you for listening I thought I was going insaine...and he told me I was doing the exact opposite then sent me this story :
There was once a king who was told my his court soothsayer that a strong poison was about to be introduced into the kingdom's drinking water. Armed with this intelligence the king prepared himself for this calamity by using a different water source. Sure enough the poison did manifest in the kingdom's water and all the king's subjects drank it and went crazy. Now as time passed these subjects, each one batshit/Bachman crazy, began to suspect that it was the king who had gone crazy because he didn't behave like everyone else. He was out of step, out of the new normal. They were all beginning to revolt against the king because to them he was the crazy one...the king did not want to lose his power so he drank the poison as well and then all of his people loved him again because he was no longer crazy...he was just like them.

Hope you and your family have a blessed and joyful 2011.“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”
Isaiah 55:8

In love with you--Erykah Badu feat. Stephen Marley

Skinny Pants and Some Vans :)

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Dating. Ugh. I want to vomit at the mere thought of it. I'm twenty three years old.. You would think I was in my prime and fully prepared for this aspect of life. Indeed that's not the case. Since the "Big Break Up" my dating life...well has sucked.

I dated a friend first. I should have known how this was going to turn out. I clung to this kid like I was never going to see another male again. Ever. It was my first experience with a male companion other than the ex in five years. I was indeed lacking self confidence and just wanted to feel...well desired and sexy. I am happy to report that this little situation I put myself in taught me a valuable lesson in life- Never try and fill your own personal voids with someone else. No matter how great that person will be to you, if you're not fullfilling your own goals in life you will be miserable with, or without, all that attention. I was like a little fifteen year old girl. He was tall, dark, and handsome. He had a great personality. We were always laughing and the chemistry was hot. There was just this one thing. It seemed like a roller coaster ride between us. One week I wanted to hang out. The next week I didn't. Then he would take a turn with his mixed emotions. We would hang out for like two weeks at a time then two weeks without seeing each other. Finally I just gave up on the whole situation after I found myself upset a couple of times and questioning if I was good enough. Pshhh please I could slap myself for even going through that now. I also realized that we were way better friends than lovers and it was best to keep it that way.

After a few one hit wonders I found a boyfriend. Which lasted a whole two months. I won't even go into this but let's just say everything happens for a reason. So then I go into this I'm a single mother no one is ever going to want to be with me stage. I hated men. I was ready to give up. I fell into what I would call an acute state of depression. I'm not fond at the thought that someone doesn't think I'm good enough.

Then I started school. And it all started to come to me. First of all I'd like to say that I learned to accept rejection. People and situtions change and some...well most relationships that you go through in life will not last. Rejection should be taken as a golden opportunity to reflect upon yourself and your actions and for you to figure out what you can work on and what you refuse to change about yourself. So after I got over that stage I put on my game face and became quite the social butterfly at school. After a few study sessions and friendly dates I "got my groove back" :)

So now this brings me to my first real date since the last "boyfriend". I've known this young man since elementary school. We used to have class together. This guy eventually moved and we lost touch in high school. Then I went to New Orleans one weekend with the kid from the first paragraph and as I was turning a corner on Burbon Street we literally ran into each other. It was like a blast from the past and I was so pissed at myself for being so drunk and not being able to hold it together for a decent conversation. Time goes on and a whole year later we are at our five year class reunion and guess who decided to show up...as my luck would have it...with a date. So I kept it friendly and never looked back. Until I got a little message on my facebook wall that read "Hey do you remember that time we were in first grade and we read a whale book together. Because I do. ha." And then I thought "cha ching!" He may be a little interested. A couple of messages later we exchanged numbers and a couple of texts later we were headed to our first date. I was a hot mess for this date. I was so nervous I made my friend tag along as the third wheel. The shit we do for our friends. (I'd like to take a second to thank you Amanda for coming along.) This guy is in a Christian band and from what I gathered he was involved in church which makes me nervous and uncomfortable because I am quite the opposite. Another thing I was nervous about was that our first date was going see Love and Other Drugs, a movie about a girl who wants a bang buddy and nothing more. I was nervous about what I was going to wear, what he was going to think about me after seeing the movie, was he even going to like me...blah blah blah then I told myself to get it together! This is exactly why the last two situations didn't work out I was lacking confidence and not being true to myself. I pulled up to my date and he hops out his little car and immediately says "Congratulations you park like an ass" (which I did. I practically parked in two parking spots). And as soon as those lovely little words came out of his mouth I was releaved because 1. It made me laugh and 2. He was a smart ass...just like me. The movie was hilarious and although at times awkward because of all the nudity it was quite enjoyable. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we embraced with a hug and a peck on the lips. I drove my happy little self home and thought about how nervous and doubtful I was before the date and realized that I have absolutely nothing to be worried about and how I should have all the confidence in the world. One day I will meet the "ying to my yang" and until then I'll roll with the punches, accept all the rejections, and learn to embrace the new journeys and the men that come along with it :)

Holiday Time

I love the holidays. I love the way places smell during the holidays. I love people's attitudes during the holidays. I love the parties. Oooooh how I love the parties. I love the memories I can make with my little man during the holidays. I love the food. I love the way Isaiah walks through the house singing Holiday songs and dancing. It's like he can feel it in the air. Watching him approach this holiday season this year made me think to myself...why doesn't he feel like this every day of the year? Why don't I feel like this through out the entire year?

I think it's silly that we put so much effort and time into two months out of the year when we should go about our lives as if every day was a special day and time to share love and laughter. I also think it's rediculous that for Thanksgiving the past three years my family gathered around the table looking through sale papers and planned out their Black Friday shopping list instead of enjoying the company that they had around them....And they wonder why all I did was crack smart ass jokes and napped :) I love them all and I'm not judging by any means but this is exactly what I don't like about the holiday season. It should be about being with those you love the most and making memories with people that you want to remember forever. Not about the gifts. Or the money. Or the great deal you can get on a flat screen that you really don't need in your bedroom. Or Santa Clause...that one makes me gag the most. For crying out loud what's wrong with me telling my child that the reason he has all these new gifts is because his family worked really hard all year round to get him those things NOT because a fat man with a beard decided to fly around the world to deliver gifts to all the children. Is it wrong that I just want him to know the truth. I would like him to know that not everyone is as blessed as he is and that there are indeed kids around the world that will not recieve any food on this day much less brand new toys.

What I am thankful for this holiday season is my family and friends. I know it's what everyone says at this time of the year but this year is different for me. I am looking forward to sharing stories and catching up on the previous year's journeys with friends that are coming in from out of town -Kera, Caleb, Grant, Colin , Brett- a few others that I'm missing. I love getting together with great friends like these because they are the friends that you don't see for a year or so and you only talk to them maybe a couple of times a year but when you get together it's like you've never been apart. I am also blessed with an amazing family, most importantly my son. His little holiday cheer this year has made me realize that I should have a happy and joyful enviroment for him throughout the entire year not just when we are decorating the tree or the house. Funny how one moment in time, like today when he was putting his Snoopy ornament on the tree while singing Jingle Bells, gives you inspiration to live a better life. Funny how a three foot tall version of myself just in a male's body can give me inspiration to live a better life. Most importantly this holiday season I am thankful for contentment. I am thankful for believing in myself. I am thankful for standing up for my own thoughts and beliefs. I am thankful for my dreams and my goals for the following year. I am thankful to be a mother. I am thankful for MYSELF :)

Bob Marley- Three Little Birds (With Lyrics!)

Freeing your mind :)

January 2010 not only marked the beginning of a new year but it marked the beginning of a new life journey spiritually and mentally for myself. The very first memory I have of this new year is my trip to New York City with Amanda. With everything in my life completely changing as the previous year ended, I felt like I needed to get away and breathe and think about my next move. I can remember getting on the plane and closing my eyes and asking God to open my mind, body, and soul to new experiences and new ways of thinking. I was always told to be careful what you wish for...because the events that would follow this trip would completely transform me as a person and most importantly as a mother. Thank you Manhattan for inspiring me to want to experience different CULTURE. The city was amazing to say the least. I had never seen so many beautiful people of every different race and cultural background come together in a city before. There were crazy homeless beggers on the streets shouting for money or food. Walking through Little Italy you could see Italian families coming together and greeting one another with smiles, laughter, hugs and kisses. Some were even on the street corners speaking Italian and inviting anyone walking by to come in and grab a bite of their pride and joy...their delicious food. Little China was another adventure in itself. There is one girl that stuck out in my mind and I will never forget her. She was a thin beauty in this over sized coat and she couldn't be over the age of twenty one. She was a hustler. This poor girl was out on the streets day by day begging tourists to buy what I would consider stolen designer items. Most people would consider this act illegal and wrong...I on the other hand would call it survival. That's what all these people had in common. They all just want to survive.
March 2010 Isaiah Gabriel made it to the age of three :) His laughter, smiles, hugs, kisses, and chatter bring so much joy to my life it's breath taking. I love him more than anything else in this world. He is my pride and joy. I also turned twenty three. My birthday was a memorable one to say the least. I was eating dinner at one of my favorite restaurants with two of my girlfriends. We were having a good time sipping wine and giggling and then walks in my ex and a date. Happy Birthday Hannah. Now if you know me you know I have shitty luck. And this would only happen to me. I know my girlfriends were freaking out at the time because no one was sure how I would react to this situation. It was like I was in a movie. Not only did he walk in on his first date since we had split but the poor guy had to sit and wait for his table about four feet from the table I was sitting at. AWKWARD. And if you know me you know I enjoy awkward moments. What did I do? I leaned over as far as I could with a shit grin on my face and waved obnoxiously at both of them. (E if you're reading this...sorry haha.) You would think that I may have been a little annoyed that my birthday dinner was interrupted by this but I actually walked away from that situation with a feeling of joy because for the first time I knew he was ready to move forward with his life and I knew that he would be okay.
April passed and family vacation came in May. This was the first family vacation we had in a couple of years. It was nice to see my parents away from work and relaxing for once instead of doing what they do best...and that is take care of everyone around them and forget about themselves. I enjoyed bonding with Kristi. We are so far apart in age so it was a little difficult building a relationship with her growing up, but as we are getting older and wiser we have grown to love each other and respect our differences. I know she thinks I'm crazy most of the time but I hope that one day she can see things from my point of view and learn to take life one day and moment at a time :) I LOVE YOU. Of course "little man" was there enjoying the ocean breeze and hanging out with his cousins. He loves the beach so much and I'm so glad I can give him the opportunity to experience it year after year. My favorite part was spending time with my brother. My best friend. Jake and I have had a bond since we were young. I am the person I am today because of him...the good and the bad :) I miss him dearly and I am so happy that he has Marsha and the kids in his life. It was awesome spending time with them and they give me hope that one day I will too have a family as beautiful as theirs :)

June was Cozumel. So much to say about this trip and so little time. I'll write a whole entire blog about this experience at a later date. Thanks Amy Troy Phil Jake Marsha and Ryan for a family vacation of a life time.
July. The Month I gave In. July marked the first month that I dated someone as a single mother. I had been contemplating this move for some time now. Not only do I have to think of myself when letting a new person come into my life but most importantly I have to think of my son. With this guy that wasn't a problem at all. I can remember the first time bringing Isaiah meet him and he told me from the back seat "Mom I think I'm going to have to give him some hot ones." It made me nervous but so proud at the same time that my baby boy just wanted to protect me, even at the age of three :) No "hot ones' were needed they immediately hit it off and things were going good...for a whole two weeks. And as my luck would have it..he got transferred to another state thousands of miles away for work. But as they say everything happens for a reason.
August came around and so did my trip to Pittsburgh. I got to experience a new city and a new man. Thank you for teaching me to open my mind up about different PEOPLE and MUSIC. Although we tried...the chemistry just wasn't there and the romance quickly faded. I think we will be friends for a long time and he's a very talented person :) Although rejection sucks, I think people should realize that most relationships in life will not work out. Love is rare and precious and extremely hard to find. I think you meet new people to find out more about yourself and about others and to figure out what you want and what you don't want in a lover. So the next time someone breaks up with you just don't take it so personal. People change, situations change, feelings change and you should live your life based upon your feelings and emotions and happiness. Because when you're at your happiest moment you will love and give to others like never before.
September was filled with books, school, new inspirational friends, and MEDITATION. I tried to do this before but I always get caught up in the chaos of life I never would stick it out. Just taking thirty mintues a day to breathe and focus your mind to clear all the clutter. It's amazing what you can actually get out of life when you free your mind from the trash and bullshit that stops you from living in the moment and appreciating the blessings and simple things that life has to offer.
So all this brings me to October. I'm still a single mother. Working and going to school full time to make a better life for myself and my kiddo. Voodoo Fest is near and I cannot wait to experience NOLA MUSIC AND CULTURE. I'm also looking forward to seeing what the year's ending will bring. Until next time kids :)

What do I have to lose?

It's Saturday, April 3, 2010 and I'm sitting at my computer with drenched hair and in a towel. I could be with tons of friends or family, or sleeping, or studying, the list goes on and on....But instead I sit here patiently. Breathing. Patiently. Why?!?
It all started out this morning. I read a blog, and instantly, I knew I wanted to start writing again. I used to write as a child. I even had a story published in a book once when I was in third grade. I wrote the introduction to my year book. Makes me wonder why did I ever stop?!? But we all have those ah - ha moments in life and I'm having one right now. This blog that I read...Thanks Lindsey, my wonderful family and even more amazing friends are all the inspiration I need. Enough rambling...here we go.

I was nineteen years old sitting on my bed in my parent's house staring at a test. A pregnancy test. I was sweating. My hands were shaking. Chest pounding. I knew the answer already and I knew it was time to face the music. The result. Positive. I was pregnant. Why now? I hadn't even made it through my first year of college. I wasn't in love. I wasn't ready to become a mother. I was lost and terrified. Until I called my mother. You would think that I would have been scared to call my mother but for the first time in my life I realized I had one of the best mothers in the world. I picked up the phone and called my momma crying. Sobbing really. I told her the news and we cried together. She told me that everything was going to be alright and I knew she was right.

Isaiah Gabriel was born on March 12, 2007 after I endured thirty hours of labor. It was by far the most amazing experience of my life. I finally got to meet this little boy that I had been carrying around for forty weeks. My little man was perfect...and still is...and will remain to be :)

I do not remember an exact date or time. For two weeks my days were blurred and all I can remember thinking was I have to leave. It's time. Leave. I had been engaged for almost three years. My wedding was in November and it was late in the Summer. I was twenty two years old. I was not in love. It was now or never.

I think it's easy for people to go along with what is supposed to be and what should be. Our Southern traditions are as follows: Go to school. Get Married. Reproduce. My traditions are as follows : I have none. I do everything the hard way and backwards. It's just how I am. I wasn't ready for a commitment of any kind much less marriage. I can barely be committed to myself how can I commit myself to someone else? So I just took a deep breath and said what I felt. Thank God he is a great guy and although we didn't have the same feelings about the situation he understood where I was coming from.

Ever since that day I have been blessed with the opportunity to find out more and more about myself. It has been no easy task...that I will admit. It was hard telling him my true feelings. I had to leave everything I owned behind and move back into my parent's house. I have no privacy. I am now a single mom. I am also a hard working mother and student. I finally went back to school and I am doing well! I am rekindling old friendships and making new memories with the few old friends that never left my side. My family is my rock and life is too short not to live to the fullest. Although times get lonely I refuse to get into a relationship any time soon. I promised myself and my future lover that I will never use another person's body or emotions to fullfill my own voids. I need to focus on who I am as a person and as a mother. I look forward to the challenges this year will bring. "When the past has passed from you at last, climb down and LIVE" :)

I want to write a book one day about my life. I hope you have enjoyed this one piece and I wish I could go into more detail about each part but that will have to wait for later when I have more time.