What do I have to lose?

It's Saturday, April 3, 2010 and I'm sitting at my computer with drenched hair and in a towel. I could be with tons of friends or family, or sleeping, or studying, the list goes on and on....But instead I sit here patiently. Breathing. Patiently. Why?!?
It all started out this morning. I read a blog, and instantly, I knew I wanted to start writing again. I used to write as a child. I even had a story published in a book once when I was in third grade. I wrote the introduction to my year book. Makes me wonder why did I ever stop?!? But we all have those ah - ha moments in life and I'm having one right now. This blog that I read...Thanks Lindsey, my wonderful family and even more amazing friends are all the inspiration I need. Enough rambling...here we go.

I was nineteen years old sitting on my bed in my parent's house staring at a test. A pregnancy test. I was sweating. My hands were shaking. Chest pounding. I knew the answer already and I knew it was time to face the music. The result. Positive. I was pregnant. Why now? I hadn't even made it through my first year of college. I wasn't in love. I wasn't ready to become a mother. I was lost and terrified. Until I called my mother. You would think that I would have been scared to call my mother but for the first time in my life I realized I had one of the best mothers in the world. I picked up the phone and called my momma crying. Sobbing really. I told her the news and we cried together. She told me that everything was going to be alright and I knew she was right.

Isaiah Gabriel was born on March 12, 2007 after I endured thirty hours of labor. It was by far the most amazing experience of my life. I finally got to meet this little boy that I had been carrying around for forty weeks. My little man was perfect...and still is...and will remain to be :)

I do not remember an exact date or time. For two weeks my days were blurred and all I can remember thinking was I have to leave. It's time. Leave. I had been engaged for almost three years. My wedding was in November and it was late in the Summer. I was twenty two years old. I was not in love. It was now or never.

I think it's easy for people to go along with what is supposed to be and what should be. Our Southern traditions are as follows: Go to school. Get Married. Reproduce. My traditions are as follows : I have none. I do everything the hard way and backwards. It's just how I am. I wasn't ready for a commitment of any kind much less marriage. I can barely be committed to myself how can I commit myself to someone else? So I just took a deep breath and said what I felt. Thank God he is a great guy and although we didn't have the same feelings about the situation he understood where I was coming from.

Ever since that day I have been blessed with the opportunity to find out more and more about myself. It has been no easy task...that I will admit. It was hard telling him my true feelings. I had to leave everything I owned behind and move back into my parent's house. I have no privacy. I am now a single mom. I am also a hard working mother and student. I finally went back to school and I am doing well! I am rekindling old friendships and making new memories with the few old friends that never left my side. My family is my rock and life is too short not to live to the fullest. Although times get lonely I refuse to get into a relationship any time soon. I promised myself and my future lover that I will never use another person's body or emotions to fullfill my own voids. I need to focus on who I am as a person and as a mother. I look forward to the challenges this year will bring. "When the past has passed from you at last, climb down and LIVE" :)

I want to write a book one day about my life. I hope you have enjoyed this one piece and I wish I could go into more detail about each part but that will have to wait for later when I have more time.