I came across this picture yesterday while looking at some National Geographic Photos on the web and it immediately made my mind start spinning. My first thought was what was she thinking about? What would I be thinking about? My second thought was it just reminded me simply of reflection. And since we're ending the year of 2010 that's exactly what I'm going to take time to do.
I'd like to start off by saying this...When I was eighteen years old I randomly walked into a tattoo parlor and got a chinese courage symbol on my foot. There was no meaning behind it besides the fact that it was a rebellious thing to do and I liked the way the symbol looked. As years went on of course I started resenting this thing. That is until last week when I heard this "Courage originally comes from the Latin word cord meaning heart and the original defintion of courage was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." I thought it was beautiful and it gave new meaning to a random act. It is true that bad decisions make great stories :)
I've taken a whole entire year to learn and grow and just try to figure out who I was. Where I wanted to go. What I wanted to do. And be. And feel. And the best thing that has come out of this year is this: I have realized that you have to allow yourself to feel. Everything. The good. The bad. You have to feel things like sadness, madness, loneliness, and rejection. You have to allow yourself to be defenseless and insecure. Not only should you feel it but you should also show it. When you allow yourself to do all of these things and show you're true colors.. even the not so pretty ones.. and allow yourself to truly be seen you will finally be able to feel real connections. And these connections are what make us have a sense of purpose. Whether it be a family connection, a love connection, a parental connection, a friendship connection, or even a romantic connection. And it is not until you show all of your sides, the good the bad and the ugly...the pretty the smart and the confident...will these connections be real and meaningful. In the same breath I have realized that it's not good to be focused so much on yourself all the time. Although you have to feel it out you must also let it go. Remember to never let the bitterness steal your sweetness. That brings me to my goals of the next year. I am finally at a place of contentment and this allows me to be a better mother. I strive daily to be a breath of fresh air for my little man because I want him to see that life doesn't always have to be complicated and simplicity is true happniess. Money and materialistic goods will never compensate for the blessing of love and peace of mind. I want to me more mindful of things that are foreign to me whether it be music, culture, religion, or people in general. We are all equals with different circumstances and we should not allow these circumstances to interfere with learning from one another. With that being said another one of my goals is to learn more about Catholicism, and Buddhism, and Hinduism, and any other Ism that may come my way. I also want to start learning different languages like Italian and Spanish. I think the more you learn about the world, the entire world, the more purpose you have and the more accomplished you become.
TRAVELING. My favorite blessing of all time. Last year I was able to go on a couple of vacations with random friends and make great memories but this year I want my traveling to have some sort of purpose as well. I'm ready to give back. I'm ready to make my mark and make a difference. I want to travel to South America and give kids love and support. Thanks B.Snell for being such an inspiration to not only myself but many people that come in contact with you. You've made me realize that one person, one small difference, can truly impact many lives. I'm looking forward to doing the same :) Other random goals are as follows: Slow down. The thinking and the being. Enjoy the presence and simplicity. Enjoy things like reading, meditating, writing, photographing, bike riding, and piano playing. This all brings me back to the photograph that started this all. This was taken at the Sears Towers in Chicago and I have a life long friend that is living near the area. My goal is to go to this place with this dear friend at the end of the year and take a photo just like this one and able to reflect and be proud of everything I have accomplished this year.
RELIGION. Life is a series of experiences. Some are honorable and some we would like to forget. They are what make us who we are and give us beauty, purpose, and wholeness. They are stories of our souls. I had been contemplating religion all year long. It had got to the point where I thought maybe I was crazy trying to figure this whole situation out. I went through a phase of not even believing in Christ or God. It wasn't dark or anything but I've always been like why can't you God just show me for once your presence. I went on multiple Catholic retreats as a teenager. I've been to healing masses. My entire family has "rested in the spirit" for my Godchild's baptism...with the exception of myself. I've seen many of these holy gifts take place right before my eyes and I can remember praying oh so very hard just for once... touch me. Say something to me. Show me that you're there. Nothing.I want to clarify that this has never once made me mad or sad or feel like I wasn't ever good enough. It just made me doubtful. Like does this really even exist? I would even say a prayer every now in then that went " God if you really do exist show me my path. Let me be a better person and a great Mother." And then it kind of just hit me. That if this "God" (since most people make Him a person) sends you on a journey through growth and curiosity and chaos and when you're done with all of that he will be waiting at the end with open arms like he was always there. Because he was always there. Because you are God. We are all Godly. When you find your purpose and you're way, you will find him...in you! So I ran this by a friend because once again I thought maybe I was a little off beat. And he said to me that religion and spirituality is a means to finding truth. It's about seeing what is going on in your mind and calming it to where you can see everything clearer and more equal. And once you have cleared your mind of the chaos you will see beauty and God in everything. Focus on purity and happiness and everything will fall into place. Do not take people action's personally. Meditate. This state of being is what sets you free. And then I said to him...what if I believe that God is more like a way of being and not like a person. And he said exactly. That's exactly what God is a way of being. When Moses asked God what is your name God said I AM...I am is a verb. This whole conversation pretty much put my year in perspective: You have to give to recieve. You have to allow yourself to feel and be seen. You have to follow your goals and dreams. You have to enjoy the presence and the simplicity. You have to make your own decisions and believe in your own thoughts. At the end of conversation I said thank you for listening I thought I was going insaine...and he told me I was doing the exact opposite then sent me this story :
There was once a king who was told my his court soothsayer that a strong poison was about to be introduced into the kingdom's drinking water. Armed with this intelligence the king prepared himself for this calamity by using a different water source. Sure enough the poison did manifest in the kingdom's water and all the king's subjects drank it and went crazy. Now as time passed these subjects, each one batshit/Bachman crazy, began to suspect that it was the king who had gone crazy because he didn't behave like everyone else. He was out of step, out of the new normal. They were all beginning to revolt against the king because to them he was the crazy one...the king did not want to lose his power so he drank the poison as well and then all of his people loved him again because he was no longer crazy...he was just like them.
Hope you and your family have a blessed and joyful 2011.“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”
Isaiah 55:8
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